Overcoming anger through writing

It is Jan. 27th, 11 p.m. 

I have not had the best of days today, and I could not honestly tell you why. I just feel like I'm so low and so angry, but I have nothing to point a finger at (middle finger that is). Jaxx has told me that writing will help to resolve this issue as well. To this I will try, for my special lady. 

For a long time I have buried and pushed aside my emotions, bottling them up and focusing them when I go to workout and push myself at the gym to become better. I honestly feel better, but it's only a temporary thing. It's the same when I go to my dojo as well, except I'm surrounded by family who help me to release it more or just let it go, because whatever that current issue it really wasn't that important to hang onto it. However, I still have deep seeded anger in me with roots that go even deeper. I believe there are just SOME things that trigger subconscious memories. They can happen within a split second in my head and put me in a mood which leads me to a path of being irritated easier and angered more frequently. 

I know it will take many years of healing in order for this phenomenon to subside, thankfully it's a rare occurrence. 

Now, onto the rant part.

Where in the FUCK are my friends when I need them?! I don't usually call on them for help but today I did. I called on them before I mentioned it to Jaxx that I was having issues today. She deserves a break, doesn't she? No response from my sisters at all. Not a fuckin' peep. Yet, whenever THEY have issues, I'm there for them in a heartbeat. Drop whatever it is I'm doing to immediately go see them because that's what type of guy I am. 

They won't see this and if I do show them, I'll edit this way ahead of time but... FUCK YOU!!! YOU'RE NEVER THERE WHEN I NEED IT MOST. YOU CAN'T EVEN ANSWER A PHONE CALL OR A SIMPLE TEXT NOR DO YOU EVER RETURN THEM! YOU UNRELIABLE BITCHES!!!

I'm agitated with them at the moment, and they'll never know until it's passed. Lucky them I guess. 

As I mentioned before I told Jaxx what was going on and initially she was receptive to it and understood. I think she was glad that I told her about what was happening with me. However, my mood seem to elevate when talking to her, but after a good while it went back down to where it was. I guess it was my fault for not mentioning to her that I still wasn't in the greatest of moods. I tried again to just let it go and talk to her. Play romantic, laugh, talk about things she posted up on Facebook, etc. However, the sarcasm and one worded answers to certain things weren't helping. I get it, she was busy studying and working on other things which are important.

This last thing she said to me though, really didn't feel good at all. Now, I'm not sure if I irritated her or not earlier, I won't assume anything. At the end when I said to her, "Goodnight babe, I love you." she responded with, "Mhm".

It felt like such a huge slap in the face to me. I doesn't matter how irritated you are, if someone says I love you to you, you better say it back to them. Three words. Eight letters. EXTREMELY powerful. I hold those three words combined in that manner to highest regard and have learned NEVER to through it around and to say it only if you really mean it. 

I did let her know it upset me though and said I was sorry if I happened to upset her and wished her a good night after that.

I did have one good friend who gave me some solid advice after all this and currently is talking to me. My good buddy who we'll call Redjar told me the following.

we all have our moments man, sometimes it's deep within, sometimes it's nothing at all. There's nothing wrong with you, you are C.K. and always will be.Cry if you need to, shout if you need to , whatever it takes because the rage can eat you alive. But let it out my friend, for these are the moments that truly make you strong.

And so I am. I let it out on here, for the whole internet to see, whether they care or not. I also started to cry when he told me that. I do feel much better now and I hope that not if, but when this issue arises again I will have Jaxx and Redjar, my true friends there for me, and perhaps a notepad to help me write it all out. 


Thanks.