Overcoming anger through writing

It is Jan. 27th, 11 p.m. 

I have not had the best of days today, and I could not honestly tell you why. I just feel like I'm so low and so angry, but I have nothing to point a finger at (middle finger that is). Jaxx has told me that writing will help to resolve this issue as well. To this I will try, for my special lady. 

For a long time I have buried and pushed aside my emotions, bottling them up and focusing them when I go to workout and push myself at the gym to become better. I honestly feel better, but it's only a temporary thing. It's the same when I go to my dojo as well, except I'm surrounded by family who help me to release it more or just let it go, because whatever that current issue it really wasn't that important to hang onto it. However, I still have deep seeded anger in me with roots that go even deeper. I believe there are just SOME things that trigger subconscious memories. They can happen within a split second in my head and put me in a mood which leads me to a path of being irritated easier and angered more frequently. 

I know it will take many years of healing in order for this phenomenon to subside, thankfully it's a rare occurrence. 

Now, onto the rant part.

Where in the FUCK are my friends when I need them?! I don't usually call on them for help but today I did. I called on them before I mentioned it to Jaxx that I was having issues today. She deserves a break, doesn't she? No response from my sisters at all. Not a fuckin' peep. Yet, whenever THEY have issues, I'm there for them in a heartbeat. Drop whatever it is I'm doing to immediately go see them because that's what type of guy I am. 

They won't see this and if I do show them, I'll edit this way ahead of time but... FUCK YOU!!! YOU'RE NEVER THERE WHEN I NEED IT MOST. YOU CAN'T EVEN ANSWER A PHONE CALL OR A SIMPLE TEXT NOR DO YOU EVER RETURN THEM! YOU UNRELIABLE BITCHES!!!

I'm agitated with them at the moment, and they'll never know until it's passed. Lucky them I guess. 

As I mentioned before I told Jaxx what was going on and initially she was receptive to it and understood. I think she was glad that I told her about what was happening with me. However, my mood seem to elevate when talking to her, but after a good while it went back down to where it was. I guess it was my fault for not mentioning to her that I still wasn't in the greatest of moods. I tried again to just let it go and talk to her. Play romantic, laugh, talk about things she posted up on Facebook, etc. However, the sarcasm and one worded answers to certain things weren't helping. I get it, she was busy studying and working on other things which are important.

This last thing she said to me though, really didn't feel good at all. Now, I'm not sure if I irritated her or not earlier, I won't assume anything. At the end when I said to her, "Goodnight babe, I love you." she responded with, "Mhm".

It felt like such a huge slap in the face to me. I doesn't matter how irritated you are, if someone says I love you to you, you better say it back to them. Three words. Eight letters. EXTREMELY powerful. I hold those three words combined in that manner to highest regard and have learned NEVER to through it around and to say it only if you really mean it. 

I did let her know it upset me though and said I was sorry if I happened to upset her and wished her a good night after that.

I did have one good friend who gave me some solid advice after all this and currently is talking to me. My good buddy who we'll call Redjar told me the following.

we all have our moments man, sometimes it's deep within, sometimes it's nothing at all. There's nothing wrong with you, you are C.K. and always will be.Cry if you need to, shout if you need to , whatever it takes because the rage can eat you alive. But let it out my friend, for these are the moments that truly make you strong.

And so I am. I let it out on here, for the whole internet to see, whether they care or not. I also started to cry when he told me that. I do feel much better now and I hope that not if, but when this issue arises again I will have Jaxx and Redjar, my true friends there for me, and perhaps a notepad to help me write it all out. 


Thanks.

Adhered to growing out the beard. Part 1.

As I stated in my previous post, change is imminent. The change I speak of is growing a beard, for one. Jesus Christ is this an ordeal. There are many stages of growing a beard and having tolerate the challenges of growing one. The first few stages are difficult enough like if you can even grow a beard. Some people just CANNOT grow a beard to save their life, which can suck if you have a baby face. Others are like Native Americans, a-patch-e here, a-patch-e there. And then there are lumberjacks. Full beard after a clean shaven face in a day or so. I do not fall into any of these categories. I can grow my facial hair normally most of the time, but tend to shave it off because of how itchy it can get. I have managed to grow a goatee before though with much success and likes from Lady Jaxx. 

For now though, I start my journey to grow out a full size beard and possibly grow a great one like Incredibeard or Rick F'n Hall. That is, if I can get past the itchy bitchy phase. Wish me luck going stubble to itchy troubles. More to come soon!

Thanks.

Changes Inbound!

Alright, as you can see on my layout, some new and exciting things are happening with this page. I got myself a new set up at my place (A new desk instead of a small little table, switched from desktop to laptop, a brand new tablet thanks to Jaxx for on the go writing about anything interesting). I will be writing more in my blog here as well as helping out Jaxx with her Famous No One project. More details if you click on her link above to her blog, it's gonna be a great and beautiful thing. 

2014 is looking to be a great year so far and I intend for it to stay that way. More coming at you soon. 

As always, 

Thanks. 

Over My Father and Beyond His Problems.

I've never really talked about this in any of my posts before but my father is an alcoholic. He's been through AA before many times and has even quit drinking for many years strait. Recently though he has been trying to quit and relapsing much to my dismay. Each time I have been supporting him and trying to do him better but his personality and attitude changes whenever he decides to sit down and have one or twelve. He becomes what most people like to call an annoying asshole. A Mr. Know-it-all, a jokester, your best buddy that you never ever wanted. It irritates me even having to recollect all the details about how he acts like that. Common loss of memory is a thing as well when he drinks too, so having to repeat details to him over and over can be quite tedious and very aggravating. Not to mention the fact that I cannot STAND to be around him even if he's had one drink, to which he takes a HUGE offense to and likes to turn it around and guilt trip me. I cannot stand my dad this way and I believe I am through with him trying over and over and failing for no reason, because he has yet to give me an excuse as to why he keeps staying the way he is. 

I believe in my family I am the only one fighting against him to help him change himself and bring about a better tomorrow not just for him but for everyone around and involved with him. Now, don't get me wrong here, I do love my dad, I just strongly dislike who he has become and wonder when my dad will come back to me. I've been told many times to stop fighting on his behalf and just let him change when he is ready to change but it seems as if without the push he isn't willing to do anything. I will admit he has good qualities about him. He is hard working and pays the bills, though he could use a better job that doesn't take such a physical toll on his already aging body. Pretty soon I think he'll have to file for disability if it keeps up the way it is with him too. 

It's hard to say now that I am just doing me and me alone in my family now but I'm afraid that now I have to let go. In a previous argument that happened earlier today over cooking some ribs (yeah, you read correctly, over ribs), we go into it about his drinking. I asked him if he had a plan to retry to quit drinking again. As usual however, he got all offended making excuses up about and turning it around about me. This was just over a simple question. Many of the things he said to me were, "Well, you don't support me even when I'm drinking or anything." or a classic, "I always support you and don't give you grief about it!" but ultimately ended up with him saying, "Man, just let me eat my sandwiches alone in peace, didn't come to be interrogated or anything". I think at that point even while angry I made the decision to just move on and do me. No more support for him on any part whether he's drinking or not. That old man that calls himself my father (which he ISN'T when he drinks) can do his own thing now while I focus on doing me (Let's not forget Jaxx, I'm still with her helping her do her thing too). 

tl;dr: I'm done helping an old man that wants to change, but won't make the sacrifices necessary to do so. Time to focus solely on me and my issues. 

Thanks for reading. 

Go have an awesome day.