Those who don't learn from the past...

In my lifetime I have been blessed enough to have many of wonderful things. I think that my most precious and wonderful of these many things in my life would have to be Jaxx. For her, I would sacrifice anything and everything at her whim. She has been the blessed start to guide me and love me and even call herself my equal, which I found to be very humbling as I consider her way above me. However, I have been selfish in my ways and hadn't considered all she'd already sacrificed for me while I mention what I'd only do. I was just talking the talk while she was full on sprinting. 

Today I nearly lost her. That pain hit me so hard like a runaway train. I felt the air getting heavier and it hard to breathe as tears ran down my face. I thought for sure I'd lose the love of my life this day due to my own selfishness. I didn't want everything we had worked so hard to build to come crumbling down. Where did things go so bad that it had gotten to this? Why weren't we like this in the beginning? 

It then hit me. 

Why can't we go back to how we were in the beginning? We kept things simple and didn't know a lot about each other. We weren't in each others businesses. We'd go out on dates, hold hands, explore new places to go. I had come to realize we don't do much of this anymore. All we do is just 'hang out'. I'd become to wrapped up in trying to trump myself or those who gave her these gifts to realize she loves the smaller things in life more than the huge gifts. I asked her if she'd give it a shot to return to how we were. She agreed only if I would. More than anything I want my Jaxx to be that happy, loving, beautiful woman she truly is again. And so, it's time for me to tear down these walls and rebuild and strengthen the foundation we laid down. 

I know where my efforts must truly lie now, not where I'd like them to be but where I they need to be. 

And Jaxx... I love you with all of my heart and soul. It is true I cannot measure how much it is that I'm in love with you and I know that it blinds us and makes us dumb at times. I just want to say thank you for everything you've done and continue to do for me. You have my eternal gratitude.  

Holiday stress

Why do we feel the need to run out, blow all our money on items we don't even need just to please the people around us and avoid the guilt of not giving a gift to someone? I hate how embedded this practice has become in today's streamline society and how we are just sheep in the heard for it. I know most of you will say, "But I love this person and they love me, why wouldn't I go get them something they obviously deserved?" Why wouldn't you get them gifts ALL the time then instead of birthdays, holidays, anniversary's, etc. I think what is most upsetting is the stress it puts upon people. It's supposed to be the most merry time of the year but yet people turn into such huge pieces of shit because of all the added pressure on top of everyday life. Now it's just a huge holiday rush to see who can get the biggest and best gifts or the most expensive or the latest trends- JUST FUCKING STOP IT! Look around you and see what you have. If you have a family that loves you, a roof over your head, food to put in your belly, friends to hang out with, and a special significant other... You should be one merry motherfucker throughout the entire year. I got frustrated and started yelling at my Christmas tree because I couldn't find the connecting wires for the built in lights on it. Is that not a trait of someone psychotic!? Imagine if you saw that in public, some guy standing there yelling at a tree and telling it how dumb it is because it won't cooperate with him. I think you'd go back the way you came or cross the street. I think I'm mainly writing this because of Jaxx and all the extra stress we've been enduring especially under the holiday season. We're both very tight on money but want to do all these things with each other, but now we have to get gifts for everyone and their mothers (some quite literally). I just want to enjoy my holiday season this year and if I'm labeled a grinch or a scrooge, so be it. I have one gift I'm going to give and that's one amazing Christmas with my lovely lady Jaxx and I'll be God damned if anybody will stop me from doing that. 

Rant over


Thanks.